laughing.

In the wise words of Mo Higgins, it's always good to laugh to keep from crying.
Sometimes I feel like crying at my stupidity. But I'll try to laugh...
I have been thinking a lot about the horrible attitude I have had in the last few months about Titus 2. I distinctly remember telling Leila one night "I shouldn't even go because nothing applies to me!"
I'm so stupid. I wish I would have paid more attention. I find my self going back over and over the books we have read trying to catch up and figure things out. God has a sense of humor. I thought it was going to be years until any of those things about being in the trenches of raising children would apply. Well guess what, I have two kids now. And I'm in the trenches. And I'm drowning. I have no idea what I'm doing. People always say "You are so good with kids!" Well yes, I'm good with kids who are trained by their parents. I don't know how to be a parent. I have been completely humbled over and over. I have seen so much sin come out of me that I have never seen before. It's scary. I have also never prayed and read my Bible so much in my life. The only way I will ever get through this is with God's help.

The First Week

Finally I have started my job and the first week is already over! It went by really fast. I love how busy and fun it is. It's hard too but nothing good is comes easily. I've spend a lot of time with children but being with two kids that aren't your own all day is completely different and I've learned a lot about planning a day and how to deal with problems and those types of things. I mostly have been with other people's children and I do exactly what the parents tell me all the time I'm there. But now with my job I have to make my own decisions on how to handle discipline, how to handle the time, what to eat, what to watch, what to play with, etc. I also don't have a lot of experience taking care of boys. I think i've spend a lot of time with 15 girls and maybe 3 boys. So I am good with girls and not very good with boys. I think I'm going to read Future Men by Doug Wilson to start off my learning curve. If anyone has any advice let me know. Overall I'm loving it and getting adjusted and I'm excited for the future!

Continuing the Story

It's now been almost six months since I graduated from English Nanny & Governess School and left Ohio. Now that I look back on it, I see how good it really was for me and how much it made me appreciate my family, church, friends, etc. I am also extremely grateful for the education I received and the friends I made, and all the lessons I learned about dealing with other people and controlling my emotion, and acting like a christian and being different from the world. 

After six months of searching, interviewing, and praying, I have found a job with a family that I believe I will love and was well worth the wait. It is amazing how God opened these doors for me when I wasn't even looking at them. A lady at my parents' church works for a family who needed a nanny. This lady who doesn't know me very well, but is good friends with my mom, told the family about me. I met with them and talked with them. We got a long great. I met the children, they are great. I bought a car that I need for the job with cash.  The whole situation is great. Even when I was impatient God still provided for me. And now tomorrow I am going to start my job. God is so good. 

My parents and family have stressed so much to me how blessed I truly am. WIth the economy in it's horrible state, it is amazing that at my young age I was able to get a great job so quickly. There are people who spend thousands of dollars and many years on school and cannot find a job. There are people with children to provide for and a house to pay for who haven't been able to find a job for months and months. There are not many 19 year olds who have a trust fund that provided them with school without loans, and a car for her job. From a great aunt that I barely knew. God has a plan for me. A GOOD plan. And even if things seem bad, everything works out for good. I am overwhelmed with the amount of good things God has given me. Now I just need to make sure I use all of the opportunity to honor Him, and not myself.

10 days.

10 days. In 10 days I will be graduating. I will be handed lots of pieces of paper and sing with my class "The 12 weeks of nanny school" in front of a lot of people I don't know. I'll be packing my things and saying goodbye to people that I've grown to love. To people that I've spend so much time with, they are basically my sisters. There are girls here who I don't always get along with. There are girls here that I barely know, but each one has taught me something and for that I am very thankful. Even though I am excited to go home and see my parents, sleep in my bed, use my own shower, go to my own church, spend time with the children that I love, and see my cat, I am also dreading saying goodbye to people who I have become so close to. When you see someone 24/7 for three months, how do you just say goodbye? How do you pack up and fly over 2,000 miles away not knowing when you'll see them again? My roommate Haley and my friend Rose have been amazing friends through all of my time at ENGS. We are the three amigas. We have laughed together, cried together, encouraged each other, and had a lot of fun and eaten a very large amount of steak n' shake and buffalo wild wings. These are friends that I want to have for life, people that are genuine and kind hearted and loving. People who love you no matter what you do and love Jesus. I haven't had a lot of friends my age like this, and I am SO blessed to have made these friends. I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to them. I also am not looking forward to saying good bye to my practicum family. They have been such a blessing and have welcomed me into their home with open arms. Telling four young girls that you have to go home far away is heart breaking, for me and them.

When I think about everything I have learned here, I am so excited to share what I have learned. I've known that I love taking care of children for a long time, but I never thought I would be able to make a career out of it. Even when I'm not working in someone's home, hopefully I will have my own children and home and all of the things I have learned here have helped my grow in my knowledge and understanding of how to care for children physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I can also list a lot of random facts about the 10 types of diaper rashes and what the "4th trimester" is, if you want to know. I have found this experience to be difficult but worth every penny, and every minute of my time. I know I can use the skills I have learned here to honor God with everything that i do.

I have also grown SO much in my relationship with Christ. I have developed a craving for God's word and fellowship with other believers. I have grown in my loving of people who seem unlovable and my kindness and love towards others. I have grown in my selflessness and not thinking about myself all of the time. I have grown in prayer for my friends, family, my self, my future spouse, and even my enemies. I have had so much time to think about and re evaluate my life and I am excited to see the growth in me. I can finally take a joke without taking it personal and laugh at my self, I have learned to think before I speak, and I have learned to say what i feel and deal with my emotions, thoughts and sins. I have learned to be SO thankful for what God has given me. I could go on and on. I am so thankful that God allowed me to come here and has grown me SO much in all aspects of my life.

10 days.

What I am Thankful For

It's a long list, I have so many things and people to be thankful for! Don't be offended if you're name is not on here, I am thankful for you, too!

Jesus Christ, My Lord and Savior. He's given me everything.
The Bible, for being a light to my path.
My Mom, for all of her sacrifice, and for putting up with me.
Norm, for taking me in as his own, and teaching me how to function as a normal human.
My Sister, for loving me no matter what and being my friend.
 My extended Family
Trinity Evangel Church, for the amazing teaching, and the amazing love and fellowship.
Grace Bible Church
Grace Academy
ENGS
My home, good food, clean water, clothing, indoor plumbing, transportation, technology, etc.
Good Health
Living in the USA
The US military
Leila, Andy, Merian, + Lucy Bowers
Russ + Marie Hanley
Sean, Mo, Maggie, Calvin, Hallie, + Keelah Higgins
Dave + Gale Light
Ron, Jen, Abigail, Aaron, Isaiah Van Der Becken
Keri, Brian, Kenley, + Claire Ronk
Katie, Ben, Emmett, + Ammelia Hanson
Len + Susan Bone
Haley Douma
Autumn Huning
Chuck + Teresa Weinberg
Andi McAuliffe
Jolie + Ryan Hall
Ian + Kimmy Lugg
Jim, Gail, Jesse, + Esther Martin
Rose LaJoye
Cheryl Crane
Alicia, Katherine, Olivia, + Caroline Martin
Patti Frisk
Darrel Whitcomb
Timothy + Renee Lugg
Jonathan + Sonja Sarr
Marybeth Young
John + Helen Zimmer
Brenden, Diega, Sofia, Elena, Lydia, + Marisa Drage/Bravo
Dave, Brenda, Kaileigh, + Caleb Alford
Rick + Dawnell Holt

Oh Christmas tree...

Today at nanny school, we skipped classes. I know. Shocking. but it was for something REALLY cool. every year chagrin falls decorates the whole town for Christmas. Well this year...they got a HUGE christmas tree. It's 60 feet tall. and 40 feet wide. woah. that's kinda big. They brought it on a semi truck. it was a bit of a wide load. Then they used a crane to lift it into a hole. Here is the pictorial evidence.

We don't generally wear sweats and t shirts. But it was work out day and art day. sorry you had to witness the outfits. :)

more talking and less listening.

Generally listening is way better than talking when it comes to having a conversation with other people. But when it comes to what is going on in your mind, talking can be much better.  When I'm tired and emotional it's so easy to put myself down, to tell myself that I'm fat and ugly and no one likes me and I'm a failure. This is such a horrible mind set and I am working SO hard at telling myself the truth. I am loved and to God I am beautiful and I have family that loves me and friends that love me and I can do all things in life through Christ that strengthens me. I have to constantly tell myself these things, and being here in Ohio has been a huge challenge for me. I feel like I have made leaps and bounds in this area. I have learned that what people say to me and about me does not matter. These people have known me for a very short time. They do not care about me and what they say shouldn't matter. Who ever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is such a liar. WORDS HURT. They hurt a lot. But i have learned that I don't need to over analyze what people say. I don't need to believe everything people say, but I also don't need to think that everyone is lying. If people talk bad about me, who cares? If people tell me they love me, they're not lying. This goes along with laughing to keep from crying. Sometimes I just have to blow things off. I just have to laugh and move on. because it's just not that important. These things might not seem important to you, but to me, these things are HUGE. Thank you for reading my word vomit :)

Halloween, Justin Beiber, and a few other things.

I know I haven't written in a while. The homework is really piling on, and not there isn't a lot of exciting stuff to talk about. Halloween was fun. In Chagrin Falls halloween is a big deal, anyone who's anyone comes here to trick or treat. The fire dept. makes a haunted house in their fire house. Which is terrifying, apparently. I didn't go in because I don't do chainsaws. But a few of my friends did and they all were scarred. There was also a guy running up and down the streets with a chainsaw. I didn't like him very much. Overall it was a good night, we had lots of fun, and everyone has fun costumes.

Of course once Halloween was over, everyone started listening to christmas music. You may be thinking, "So what?" But honestly it's horrible! Because every girl in this dorm loves the new Justin Beiber Christmas CD. HELP ME! My roommate subjects me to it almost everyday. Even on my birthday!

Speaking of birthdays, mine was good. My ride to my practicum family wasn't going to be able to take me, so I just sat around all day and watched Harry Potter. It was really strange not to be with my sister on our birthday. My parents took her out to lunch. and dinner. But I got Vera Bradley and a new iPod. I also got a few gifts from friends in WA, and they really made my day. My favorite was a video from my favorite fake children. I watch it almost every day. I love it! I also went out to dinner with my roommate at a nice little place called Yours Truly. It was a good day.

Other than those things, life is pretty boring here. We're learning a lot of good stuff. I'm ready for it to be over though, and I'm having to work really hard to be content and have joy. Only 35 days until my family gets here!

a tender heart and a humble mind

"Finally, all of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind" 1 Peter 3:8

A wise friend of mine suggested this week that I read 1 & 2 Peter when I was struggling with some things here at nanny school. Peter's letters are so encouraging and humbling. There has been so much drama here at the dorms, but I can honestly say that some of it is my fault. I am not the first person to have sympathy, or love others, or have a tender heart, or to be humble. This experience has been such a reveler to what my heart really looks like. Which hurts but I know will be so good in the future.  The past few days I have been so nasty. I immediately criticize people, even if it's not out loud. I think that I'm better than people because I don't swear all the time and I do my own dishes. How stupid and petty is that?! It's really easy for me to blame all of my problems on other people instead of seeing that lots of the drama and the sadness and the lack of joy is because of my ugly sin. If I was full of Christ's word and His love, people gossiping about me wouldn't matter, drama wouldn't matter, and I would only be able to give out love. Instead of gossip, slander, and hate. I know that I am one of the few christians here, and I can preach and preach about it but I don't know that I always live it. I would really appreciate prayer for that. "Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it." 3:10-11

I have also been really struggling to wave my joy flag. I have fallen into a cloudy, eeyore Barbara, instead of a happy, joyful, Christ loving Barbara. I am homesick, I'm tired, my feelings have been hurt, blah blah blah. None of that matters, and I've just been really selfish. So I need to work on that, too. 

Other than that, I'm learning a lot. 

ohio is cold!

I'm not sure how many of you are wondering, but not a lot is going on here in Ohio. The weather is getting colder, the homework is getting harder, and everyone in the dorm is getting sick. Also, right now we have NO toilet paper and NO paper towels. TMI? sorry. but that's real life. haha This weekend only 7/15 girls were here. so we all had fun at bdubs and just hanging out. It's nice to be able to relax on the weekends. I am pretty homesick. I'm just ready for this to be over so i can go home. right now i don't have a clear idea of what i'm going to be doing when i graduate. i keep thinking i have a plan, but God has a different one. and a better one. So I would appreciate prayer for wisdom and just following where God leads and not just trying to do everything I want. Even though right now i can't imagine doing anything else. Other than that, everything is good and I'm staying busy and having fun and trying to stay warm. It's COLD here!